B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
what are they serving at kfc then???
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL