-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?