“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.