On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
You Might Also Like
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.