Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Jesus Christ lmao
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.