Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.