Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.