@Bahstonlady: Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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@KenJennings: If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"
@secondofhername: If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
@DanMentos: ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing