Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Don’t we all.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink