[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Free him
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication