baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
guys I’m going home
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.