BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Meow
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang