Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties