like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.