Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.