Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I love you…
…r dog.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down