Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Confused owl: What?!
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
tell em, edith-anne
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers