baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard