Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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When your best mate counts as a desk too
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking