@LeonEarlgrey: baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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@iwearaonesie: "This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@girl_a_whirl: *pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate Him: U started your diet, didn't u
@Brianhopecomedy: Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn't become Superman. Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.