baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.