[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat