[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Noah
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.