Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Oh no
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
The little toadstool has spoken.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children