I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise