[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.