I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You Might Also Like
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Smooooooth
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.