Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
why am I working on Labor Day
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor