My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.