[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Can’t. Being lazy.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Midwest trash talk
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’