When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
When you’ve simply given up.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
two people or more is called a problem
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”