Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Do one person every day that scares you.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁