[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
You Might Also Like
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me