[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.