Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.