Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule