Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.