Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.