Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
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When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
dads on road-trips be like
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again