[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.