Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me