Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.