Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”