what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
tinder is all about the long game
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.