Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide