Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
men, we mow at sunrise.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
just leave it at the foot of the bed