Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.