God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.