Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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me and who
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that