@rolldiggity: Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.
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@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
@HollyHeals: Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
@TeachersHot: Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven't killed anyone yet
@Reverend_Scott: [Boss' office] "You're late AGAIN." Drove back for my phone. "Why do need it at work?" It's all I do. "WHAT?" I said, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.