Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
CUTE CAT‼︎
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
won’t smith
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.