Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
They grow up so quick
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Catering service