Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Don’t touch that.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier